


Lay Me down

by killerpansexuwhale



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Coda, Episode: s15e09 Shelter from the Storm, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Missing Scene, Season/Series 15, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23352055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerpansexuwhale/pseuds/killerpansexuwhale
Summary: Five times Dean prays to Cas after burying him in the Ma'lak box, and one time he doesn't.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

1.

"Cas? I hope you can hear me," Dean said, lying on his bed. It was the middle of the night and Dean had gotten through a six pack alone. 

"I _know_ you can hear me," he continues. The last bottle was still in his hand. Dean downed the last of it. It's lukewarm and flat and does nothing to dull the sudden dryness of his throat.

It's been several months since he had to bury Cas in the Ma'lak box. Cas had been getting increasingly violent during hunts, had seemed to enjoy the sound of bones snapping under his fists, the slick sensation of blood spilling on his hands, had neglected using his grace for smiting demons - preferring his angel blade. The Mark had given Cas the same urge to kill as it had given Dean, but the progression of its effects was quicker.

The warning signs started to show when Jody had needed their help with a Djinn. Cas had been so focused with pummeling it that he'd neglected Donna and the girls. By the time Dean had arrived and untied them they were pale and stone cold, way past saving. Cas had been heartbroken about losing Claire and the pain seemed to seep into every part of him, making him angry and reckless. 

The last straw had been when Sam tried convincing Cas to return to heaven and seek the angles' help. The mark had seared a hole through Cas' clothes as he punched Sam so forcefully he knocked out a tooth. That very night Dean had begun building another Ma'lak box. 

"I'm so sorry," Dean said. He set the bottle down on his nightstand and rubbed his eyes. Sleep hadn't been easy ever since he buried Cas, but it wasn't anything he didn't deserve. 

"I wish you hadn't taken the mark," Dean whispered. "I wish you were here." 

_Dean's back hurt. The chairs in the library were old and stiff. He and Cas had been reading up on angels and curses for days but could not find anything useful. The lore on the mark had been limited to begin with, but there was nothing about angels taking it. Lucifer had been the first and the last._

_Sighing in defeat, Dean decided to stop for the day. Cas was still reading beside him, his brow furrowed. Dean got up and took the book from his hands._

_"Dean, what-" Cas started. He tried to take the book back. Dean set it down on the table._

_"Cas, leave it," Dean said. He took Cas' hand and pulled him up. "Let's call it a night. We'll hit the books again tomorrow."_

_"Dean..." Cas said quietly, looking lost. "It's worse than it was for you. My grace was corrupted by the mark," he continued._

_"I know. I get it, trust me," Dean said. He tugged Cas closer, searching Cas' eyes for something. He wasn't sure what, but he knew it when he saw it. Cas looked back, his piercing blue eyes getting darker by the second._

_Dean moved moved in, tilting his head. His eyes fluttered closed. Cas closed the distance between them, touching his lips to Dean's. Dean had expected something gentler, timid, but the effects of the mark must have had Cas on edge. He kissed hungrily, fisted his hand in Dean's shirt._

_Dean broke off, breathing hard. "C'mon," he said, tugging Cas' hand. Cas seemed confused._

_"My room," Dean supplied. Cas tilted his head. "What, no dinner?" he said, deadpan._

_Dean laughed. "You don't eat," he said, smiling. "Let's go." Dean twined his fingers in Cas' and made for his bedroom. The corridor was empty, the doors closed. Sam had gone to bed earlier, still swollen from his dentist appointment. Cas had apologized endlessly and Sam had forgiven him, but he still gave him a wide berth whenever they occupied the same room._

_Once they were in his room, Dean pushed Cas against the door and kissed him. Cas' tongue licked into Dean's mouth and Dean groaned, pressing closer. Then he closed the angel cuff around Cas' hand. Dean crowded Cas, trying to savor this moment._

_"I thought handcuffs were the sort of thing people use to spice things up," Cas said, perplexed._

_"Not these handcuffs," Dean answered. He closed the second one. Suddenly a faint glow emenated from the cuffs and understanding dawned on Cas' face. Dean stepped back. Now that Cas' view of the room was clear, he could see the open Ma'lak box set on the bed._

_Cas tried to wrench his hands from Dean's grasp, looking murderous. The cuffs glowed brighter. Dean tugged Cas towards the bed._

_"I should have known," Cas said angrily._

_"What is that supposed to mean?" Dean said._

_Cas snorted. "You must have realized the Mark would be sated by desire," he said. The fight seemed to go out of him all at once._

_For once, Dean had no witty response. "I'm sorry," was all he could say as he shoved Cas in the box. Cas wouldn't look him in the eyes._

_Dean closed the lid. He locked every latch carefully and removed the keys, pocketing them._

_"This isn't how I wanted to do that for the first time," Dean said. Cas stayed quiet._

"I'm sorry, Cas. I don't know what else to say." Dean's eyes prickled with unshed tears. 

"I miss you."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean wakes up to a faint red glow. 05:18. He could barely get his four hours these days. The sleep deprivation seemed to have no effect over his libido. No matter how long Dean slept, he woke up hard more often than not. Tonight wasn't any different. He figures he could handle it and try to get back to sleep. They had just finished clearing a vampire nest and would probably take it easy for the next couple of days. Despite his current predicament, Dean wasn't getting any younger and recovering from hunts was taking longer.

Sighing deeply, Dean pushes his hand in his boxers. His movements are perfunctory. This is a means to an end. His dick is hot and heavy in his hand and he finds a rhythm slowly. Pushes his Boxers down. He tries to think of a slender waist, a generous cleavage, plump lips. Instead, blue eyes and dark hair float in his mind. 

Dean groans with frustration.

Cas always finds his way into Dean's thoughts. Waking up in the morning, the smell of coffee, cheeseburgers on the go, peanut butter and jelly in the kitchen, the room across from Dean's, the cheap beer he still buys even though Cas is the only one who likes it. Liked. 

_Not helping,_ Dean thinks. He returns to his former line of thought. There's no point in fighting it now. Cas has been occupying every corner of his mind for years. Might as well put him to good use.

Dean thinks of Cas' chapped lips, his strong jaw with a permanent five o'clock shadow. He thinks of Cas smiling, his eyes crinkling, crows feet etched in their corners. He tries to imagine Cas' smell. Tries to see Cas' eyes, his pupils blown. 

"Cas, fuck..." Dean hisses. He always tries to hold back, always fails. He wonders what Cas makes of this. 

_Not again,_ Dean thinks. He's close. If he could just get back from that guilt trip, this shouldn't take much Longer. 

"Get with the program, Dean," he mutters to himself and speeds the movement of his hand. He thinks about kissing Cas, thinks about how he tasted, remembers the heat in his eyes. Dean thinks of Cas in his bed, thinks about tan skin and strong hands, thinks about taking Cas in his mouth...

He finishes with a curse, cleans up with the Kleenex he keeps in his bedside drawer, tosses it at the garbage can by the door, misses.

Dean misses Cas more than ever in these moments. He tries to tell himself he did the right thing. He doubts it'll help him sleep at night.


End file.
